Your Own Wedding Entrance Music
A completely original piece written around your story, your relationship, and the exact moment everyone turns round to look.
How it works
Main site
Choose a service, click the booking button, pay securely through Square, then I’ll get in touch to sort the details. Anything involving me being somewhere in person has travel added separately.
Music, Creative, Actually Useful
The respectable end of the page. Still slightly unhinged, but in a way you can explain to your family.
Your Own First Dance Song
A bespoke first dance song based on your story, your style, and the parts of your relationship you’re happy for guests to know about.
Personalised Lullaby
A gentle custom lullaby written for your child. Sweet, sentimental, and probably more emotional than anyone was prepared for.
Comedy Song
A custom comedy song about your family, friends, workplace, club, team, or that one person who has absolutely earned it.
Radio-Style Voicemail Greeting
Your voicemail, but with the energy of a breakfast show that has had too much coffee.
Team Walk-On Theme
A custom entrance theme for your football team, darts team, pub quiz team, or friend group with delusions of grandeur.
Villain Song About Your Boss
A musical theatre villain anthem for the workplace menace in your life. Names can be changed to protect mortgages.
Heartfelt Tribute Song
For retirements, anniversaries, memorials, or someone who deserves more than a card from the petrol station.
Your Life As An 80s Power Ballad
Big drums. Big emotions. Possibly a key change. Your ordinary life treated with completely unnecessary scale.
A Song For Your Partner
A romantic gesture with significantly more thought than panic-buying flowers and pretending that was the plan.
Personalised Children’s Story
A custom-written story starring your child, with all the magic, mischief, and chaos they would probably bring anyway.
Dad Rock Anthem
A full original rock anthem celebrating fatherhood, cargo shorts, thermostat anxiety, and checking if the back door is locked.
Funny, Silly, Yes These Are Real
For people who understand that joy is important, and sometimes joy is paying someone to write a ballad about your dog.
Fake Radio Call
I will phone your mate pretending to be a local radio presenter and congratulate them on literally anything.
Your Dog’s Power Ballad
A deeply emotional original song about your dog, because they have carried this family emotionally for years.
Orchestral Score For Your Trip To Aldi
Cinema-level drama for the middle aisle, the bakery section, and the trolley with one wheel fighting for independence.
Wrestling Entrance Package
Theme music. Announcer intro. Completely unnecessary levels of confidence.
Apology Song
For when “sorry” simply isn’t theatrical enough, especially when it was absolutely your fault.
Couch-To-5K Montage Soundtrack
Motivational music for your training arc, even if the arc currently involves walking very slowly past Greggs.
WrestleMania-Style Room Announcement
I will announce your arrival into a room like you’re headlining a pay-per-view event.
Unnecessarily Inspirational Voice Note
For exams, interviews, dates, difficult conversations, or opening an email that begins “just circling back”.
Eulogy For Your Broken Appliance
A heartfelt farewell to the washing machine, toaster, kettle or hoover that served your family faithfully.
Previously On… Your Relationship
A dramatic TV-style recap of your love story, including plot twists, recurring characters, and unresolved storylines.
Dramatic Tesco Shopping List Narration
Milk. Bread. Bananas. Destiny. The weekly shop has never sounded so urgent.
Low-Level Nonsense
Anything involving me physically appearing somewhere includes travel. Emotional damage may also apply.
Text Your Ex
I will text your ex “hope you’re well” while you sit beside me and experience immediate regret.
Queue For Something Boring
I will stand in a queue so you don’t have to. Price depends entirely on weather, boredom, and nearby snack options.
Parallel Parking Clapping Service
Positive reinforcement matters. Especially when there was only mild kerb contact.
Dramatic Takeaway Reveal
Your kebab, pizza or chow mein presented like fine dining. Napkins folded with unnecessary reverence.
Flatpack Furniture Support
I will loudly pretend I know what I’m doing while assembling furniture. Confidence included. Competence not guaranteed.
IKEA Emotional Support
No one should face the marketplace section alone. Especially when tealights start making sense.
Torch-Holding Service
I will stand nearby holding the torch while you pretend to understand what’s happening under the bonnet.
Awkward Silence Companion
For family gatherings where you need someone else to look trapped beside you.
Cable Drawer Untangling
A practical service for people who still own seven mysterious chargers and one cable from 2008.
WiFi Renaming
Your internet deserves better branding. So do your neighbours, whether they like it or not.
Junk Drawer Organisation
I will silently judge your expired batteries, mystery keys and takeaway menus from closed restaurants.
Fridge Inspection
I’ll tell you what’s still edible and what has become a science project with ambitions.
Overenthusiastic Gym Support
I will act like your trainer from a 2004 sports movie. You will do one more rep. Emotionally, at least.
Aggressively Supportive Voice Notes
Daily motivation for one week, whether you asked for it or not. You technically did, because you paid.
Threatening To-Do Lists
Your life admin rewritten like a hostage negotiation. Firm, but ultimately for your own good.
Pretend Assistant
I will spend the day making you sound far more important than you are. Diary management energy included.
Theatrical House Move Help
I will help you move house while dramatically complaining throughout. Pizza is not optional.
Moral Support Phone Call Standing
I will stand beside you while you finally make the phone call you’ve been avoiding since last autumn.
Parents’ Evening Support
I will nod seriously and occasionally say “right…” at moments that feel educationally significant.
Excuse Phone Call
Need to leave somewhere? I’ve got you. One urgent-sounding call, delivered with commitment.
Unqualified Paint Consultancy
I have absolutely no training in this area, but I do have opinions and access to words like “warm neutral”.
Pretend You’re Important At Work
I will arrive and behave as though you are the key decision maker. Clipboard available on request.
One Heavy Box Service
I will carry exactly one heavy item during your move and remind everyone about it for the rest of the day.
Motivational Plant Care
I will water your plants and give them the kind of encouragement normally reserved for underdog sports films.
Cancel That Subscription
You can do this. I believe in you. Also, that free trial ended eight months ago.
Professional Lasagne Reaction
I will react to your homemade lasagne like a food critic discovering flavour for the first time.
That’ll Be Expensive
I will come to your house, look at something broken, breathe in sharply, and say “yeah… that’ll probably be expensive.”
Accountability Buddy
One week of me checking whether you’ve actually done the thing. Gentle at first. Increasingly disappointed thereafter.
B&Q Support
We won’t know what we’re doing, but we’ll look determined and leave with at least one unnecessary spirit level.
Personal Hype Man
For dates, interviews, gym sessions, presentations, or simply leaving the house with purpose.
Funeral For Your Appliance
A respectful send-off for your fallen toaster, microwave, hoover or kettle. Black tie optional.
Barbecue Overenthusiasm
I will take your barbecue far too seriously and refer to sausages as “the first course”.
Air Fryer Unveiling
Your new air fryer presented like a major technology launch. Friends and family will pretend this is normal.
Unnecessary Spreadsheets
I will create a spreadsheet for something that absolutely does not need one. Formulas may be used irresponsibly.
Clean Out “That Drawer”
You know the one. We both know the one. It has at least three pens that don’t work.
Flatpack FaceTime Support
Moral support while you fight for your life against Swedish instructions and one tiny Allen key.
Tell Your Dog They’re A Good Dog
A premium canine affirmation service. They already know, but it’s nice to hear it professionally.
Decision Making Services
Premium services, because apparently nobody can make small decisions anymore.
Dinner Decision Service
I will decide what you’re eating when the conversation has gone in circles for 45 minutes and no one has said anything useful.
Takeaway Permission
I will be the one to finally say “shall we just order something?” so neither of you has to admit defeat first.
I Don’t Mind, You Choose
I will settle the argument you both created by refusing to choose and then rejecting every suggestion.
Definitive Dinner Shortlist
A final list of acceptable options, with no further discussion, no “maybe”, and absolutely no scrolling Deliveroo in silence.
Pyjamas Or Plans?
I will decide whether you’re genuinely going out or absolutely staying in and becoming one with the couch.
Dessert Permission
You were going to order it anyway. I’m simply making it official.
Treat Yourself Consultant
Professional encouragement to spend money irresponsibly, delivered with the confidence of someone not checking your bank app.
Proper Meal Or “Bits And Pieces”
I will determine tonight’s culinary direction and decide whether cereal counts as dinner. It sometimes does.
Netflix Decision Service
You stop scrolling. I choose. You may complain internally, but the decision is final.
Heating Arbitration
I will determine whether the heating goes on. This is legally binding within the household for at least 40 minutes.
Online Purchase Judgement
I will tell you whether this is useful, complete nonsense, or a cry for help wearing free delivery.
Is This Actually Illness?
I will determine whether you’re genuinely sick or just being dramatic. This is not medical advice, obviously. Look at the page we’re on.
McDonald’s Drive-Thru Support
Decision-making assistance during that terrifying moment when the speaker crackles and your brain abandons you.
We Have Food At Home Overrule
I will officially declare takeaway acceptable despite the technically correct but joyless existence of food at home.
Should We Leave Yet?
I will decide whether it’s socially acceptable to go home now. It usually is.
Does This Email Sound Rude?
I will assess your message for accidental aggression, buried resentment, and unnecessary use of “as per my previous email”.